Lord, I sometimes wander away from you

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment
The Lost Sheep, William James Webbe via Wikimedia Commons
 
Lord, I sometimes wander away from you.
But this is not because I am deliberately turning my back on you.
It is because of the inconstancy of my mind.
I weaken in my intention to give my whole soul to you.
I fall back into thinking of myself as my own master.
But when I wander from you,
   my life becomes a burden,
      and within me I find nothing
         but darkness and wretchedness,
            fear and anxiety.
So I come back to you,
   and confess that I have sinned against you.
And I know you will forgive me.

Aelred of Rievaulx, c. 1109-1167, Abbot of Rievaulx in northern England
2000 Years of Prayer

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Psalm 32:1-5 

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
    whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
    and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
For when I kept silent,
    my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
I acknowledged my sin to you,
    and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
    and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

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Question

What would help you to evaluate your heart 
    and confess your sins to God on a more regular basis?

Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment
Christ heals a Demoniac, Jean-Guillaume Carlier via Wikimedia Commons
 
​Lord, I want to love you, yet I’m not sure.

    I want to trust you, yet I’m afraid of being taken in.
    I know I need you, yet I’m ashamed of the need.
    I want to pray, yet I’m afraid of being a hypocrite.
    I need my independence, yet I fear to be alone.
    I want to belong, yet I must be myself.
    Take me, Lord, yet leave me alone.
    Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief.
O Lord, if you are there, you do understand, don’t you?
Give me what I need but leave me free to choose.
Help me work it out my own way, but don’t let me despair.
    Come unto me, O Lord – I want you there.
    Lighten my darkness – but don’t dazzle me.
    Help me to see what I need to do and give me strength to do it.
O Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief.
 
Brother Bernard SSF, 1928-2007, English Franciscan
The Oxford Book of Prayer


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Mark 9:20-24 
 
And they brought the boy to him.
And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy,
    and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth.
And Jesus asked his father,
    “How long has this been happening to him?”
And he said, “From childhood.
    And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him.
    But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”
And Jesus said to him,
    “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said,
    “I believe; help my unbelief!”

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Questions

When have you prayed, needing God to do something big,
  but were unsure if your request was within God’s will and purpose?
Have you ever approached God with a real need but were unsure of how to pray?  

if you want me to believe in you

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment

The Hem of His Garment, via Pinterest

 
My God, I do not love you,
I do not even desire it.
I am weary of you.
Perhaps I do not even believe in you.
But look on me in passing.
Hide yourself for a moment in my soul,
  put it in order by a breath
  without my knowing it,
  without saying a word of it to me.
If you want me to believe in you,
  give me faith.
If you want me to love you,
  give me love.
I do not have any and I can do nothing for it.
I give you what I have:
  my weakness,
  my sorrow.
  And that tenderness which torments me
  and that you see so well…
  And that despair…
  And that crazy shame…
  My pain, nothing but my pain…
  And my hope!
It is everything.

Marie Noël, 1883 – 1967, French Catholic poet
The Westminster Collection of Christian Prayers

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Mark 5:25-34

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 
She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors 
    and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.  
When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd 
    and touched his cloak, because she thought, 
        “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” 
Immediately her bleeding stopped 
    and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. 
He turned around in the crowd and asked, 
    “Who touched my clothes?”
“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, 
    “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 
Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, 
    came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, 
    told him the whole truth.
He said to her, 
    “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  
     Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
 
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Question

When have you been desperate for God to intervene in your life or the life of someone close to you?

Evening Prayer of Forgiveness

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Repentance of Mary Magdalene and Peter, El Greco, via Wikimedia Commons
 
O Lord Jesus Christ . . . .
    be merciful and forgive me, Your unworthy servant,
    if somehow I have sinned this day as a human,
    or rather as an inhuman.
Forgive my voluntary and involuntary sins,
    the ones I committed in knowledge or in ignorance,
    the ones that have been done
    out of evil influences and carelessness
    and my great indolence and negligence.
Forgive me, O Lord,
    if I have taken an oath by Your holy name
    or if I have violated my oath;
    if I have sworn in my mind
    or if I have somehow irritated You;
    if I have stolen
    or if I have lied;
    if a friend came to me and I ignored him
    or if I have distressed and embittered my brother . . . .
    if I looked upon vain beauty
    and my mind was attracted by it;
    if I was overly talkative about improper things
    or if I busied myself with faults of my brother
    and condemned him
    while overlooking my own innumerable faults;
    if I have neglected my prayer
    of if I have brought to mind any other evil thing.
Forgive me, O God,
    your useless servant,
    all these and whatever other things
    I have done and do not remember.
Have mercy on me, O Lord,
    for You are good and You love mankind,
    so that I, the prodigal one,
    may go to bed and fall asleep
    glorifying You,
    together with the Father
    and Your all-holy, good and life-creating Spirit,
    now and ever and unto the ages of ages.
Amen.

St. Ephrem the Syrian c. 306-378, Syrian hymn writer and theologian

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Psalm 130:1-4

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.
If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
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Question

Thinking though today, what is something you did or didn’t do that you could ask forgiveness for?

so light that we walk on water

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Walking on Water, Ivan Aivazovsky via wikimedia commons
 
Lord Christ,
Help us to have the courage and humility to name our burdens
and lay them down
so that we are light to walk across the water
to where you beckon us. . . .

The memory of hurts and insults,
driving us to lash out,
to strike back
We name it
and we lay it down. . . .

Our antagonism against those
whose actions, differences, presence,
threaten our comfort or security
We name it
and we lay it down. . . .

We do not need these burdens,
but we have grown used to carrying them,
have forgotten what it is like to be light.

Beckon us to lightness of being,
for you show us it is not unbearable.
Only so we can close the distance.
Only so we can walk upon the water.
Blessed are you, Lord Christ, who makes heavy burdens light.

Kathy Galloway, Iona Community, Church of Scotland minister
The Complete Book of Christian Prayer

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Matthew 11:28-30 
 
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
   and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
   for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
   and you will find rest for your souls.  
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

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Questions

When you’ve fully forgiven someone and let go of the offence, how did it feel?
How do you understand that the burden offered by Jesus is actually light?

prayer before the prayer

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment

Desmond M. Tutu CC BY 2.0

 
I want to be willing to let go, to forgive.
but dare not ask for the will to forgive,
    in case you give it to me
    and I am not yet ready.
I am not yet ready for my heart to soften.
I am not yet ready to be vulnerable again.
Not yet ready to see that there is humanity in my tormentor’s eyes
    or that the one who hurt me may also have cried.
I am not yet ready for the journey.
I am not yet interested in the path.
I am at the prayer before the prayer of forgiveness.

Grant me the will to want to forgive.
Grant it to me not yet but soon
Can I even form the words?
Forgive me? Dare I even look?
Do I dare to see the hurt I have caused:
I can glimpse all the shattered pieces of that fragile thing
    that soul trying to rise on the broken wings of hope.
But only out of the corner of my eye.
I am afraid of it.
And if I am afraid to see
How can I not be afraid to say: Forgive me?

Is there a place where we can meet?
You and me
The place in the middle where we straddle the lines
Where you are right and I am right too.
And both of us are wrong and wronged.
Can we meet there?
And look for the place where the path begins
The path that ends when we forgive.
 
Desmond Tutu, 1931 – 2021 & Mpho Tutu, 1963- South African Anglican priests
 
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Colossians 3:12-13
 
Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves,
    you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy,
    kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
Make allowance for each other’s faults,
    and forgive anyone who offends you.
Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

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Questions

When have you experienced forgiveness and a restored relationship with someone else?
What are some of the steps you could take to initiate a forgiveness in another relationship?

forgiveness that recreates

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment
“Reconciliation” by Vasconcellos, Coventry Cathedral
​
 
Jesus’ prayer was, ‘Father, forgive them,
they know not what they do.’
A prayer born in death, writhing with pain.
A prayer risking faith, facing the sorrow.
A prayer living in hope, seeing the future.
 
My prayer was, ‘God, how can I forgive them?
They do know what they did.’
A prayer saying, ‘ It still hurts.’
A prayer wanting vengeance.
A prayer seeking direction.
 
My prayer became, ‘God, help me forgive them;
they know what they did.’
A prayer saying, ‘They were wrong.
A prayer wanting reconciliation.
A prayer seeing courage.
 
My prayer became, ‘God, forgive them;
they know what they did.’
A prayer that wrestled with injustice.
A prayer that acknowledges weakness.
A prayer that found hope in God’s love.
 
My prayer remains, ‘God, forgive them;
they know what they did.’
Because forgiveness recreates life from death.
Because forgiveness cleanses the healing wound.
Because forgiveness builds the bridge of freedom.
 
Jared P. Pingleton, Christian psychologist, author, and speaker

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Matthew 18:18-19
 
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven,
    and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask,
    it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

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Questions:

What is one relationship that would benefit from forgiveness and renewal?
How can you “loose on earth” the hurts you’ve experienced 
    so that heaven might be brought to earth?

a broken, divided family

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Prodigal Son by Fr. Sieger Koder

 
We are a broken, divided family
of lonely individuals,
each alone;
truly, we’re not a family.
Communication with each other
seems impossible,
and love vanishes into the void.
Yet both are what we desperately need.
We all need and want
each other,
but we’re too proud to admit it,
or to confess
what we’re each to blame
for our separation,
loneliness, and pain.
We add brick upon brick
to the wall that divides
and isolates us.

You alone are our hope,
O God of our salvation.
Your love breaks down
walls that isolate and divide us.
Your love heals, forgives,
and makes us whole again.
Restore us, O God of our salvation.
Reconcile us,
that we may be a family,
and live.

Vienna Cobb Anderson, Episcopal Priest from Virginia
The Complete Book of Christian Prayer
 
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Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. 
When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.  
So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 
    ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, 
    ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf 
     because he has him back safe and sound.’
The older brother became angry and refused to go in. 
So his father went out and pleaded with him. 
But he answered his father, 
    ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you 
     and never disobeyed your orders. 
    Yet you never gave me even a young goat 
     so I could celebrate with my friends. 
    But when this son of yours 
     who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, 
     you kill the fattened calf for him!’
 
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Question

What relationships are broken 
    and need God to work restoration and reconciliation?

you call me back to atone

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment
Return of the Prodigal Son, Rembrandt via Wikimedia commons
 
 
You call me back to atone,
to return,  
when you see how I’ve drifted
and gone away…

I stray from knowing your holy presence,
but you never take your eyes off me;
you take not even one step away:
you’re beside me, behind me,
above and below me,
you’re with me, Lord, on all sides…
 
But it only takes a turn of my heart,
a twist of my thoughts
in the blink of an eye
for me to forget (or do I fear?)
how close you are in every hour
of every night and day…

I stray from your love
though you’re so close at hand
and believe, in self-pity
you no longer care…
 
I choose my own way
as you walk by my side;
you follow my steps
as I turn from your path…
 
I want my own way
and insist that I’m right;
I assign you the blame
as I count my troubles…

But you stay by my side
and give me the freedom
to take your hand or walk away
in my foolishness and my fear…
And still you remain,
right by my side,
though I close my eyes
to yours seeking mine…

But you call me back, to atone, to return,
and with all my heart, I know you’re right:
I’ve drifted, I’ve strayed, I’ve gone away,
I’m lost and need to be found…
 
Give the grace, Lord, to turn my heart,
to turn my mind and thoughts to you;
to remember and trust how close you are,
how near’s the mercy you offer…
 
Call me back to atone and return
to the outstretched arms of your love
and ready my heart to be shaped again
in the image of your heart for me…
Amen.
 
Fr. Austin Fleming, Roman Catholic Priest in Massachusetts
concordpastor.blogspot.com

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Luke 15:20
 
So he returned home to his father.
And while he was still a long way off,
    his father saw him coming.
Filled with love and compassion,
    he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.

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Question:

When you’ve felt guilty and fearful towards God, 
    what difference would it make to know that God is near and close by,
    waiting for you to turn towards him and make things right?

sometimes I choose sin

/ Eric Mathews / Leave a comment

Ash Wednesday, Carl Spitzweg via Wikimedia Commons

 
Father – the truth about me is that often I choose sin:
    Sometimes I choose hatred.  Sometimes I choose slander.
    Sometimes I choose envy.  Sometimes I choose greed.
    Sometimes I choose pettiness.  Sometimes I choose lust.
    Sometimes I choose gossip.  Sometimes I choose pride.
    Sometimes I choose self-reliance.
    Sometimes I choose self-righteousness.
    Sometimes I choose self-aggrandizement.
    Sometimes I choose dishonesty.
    Sometimes I choose unkind words.
    Sometimes I choose to ignore the obvious needs around me.
    Sometimes I choose to hoard my resources.
    Sometimes I choose to neglect Your command to share the gospel.
The list of things I wrongly choose could go on and on.  And sometimes
I act on these things in ways that are darker than I ever care to state.
Each time I make such a choice, I choose death.
Today, I ask that You breathe life into my soul afresh
    and enable me to choose life – to choose You and Your ways.
 
Kurt Bjorklund, 1968- , American Minister and author  
 
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Romans 6:23
 
For the wages of sin is death,
    but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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Question:

What is an area of sin that you are most prone to return to?